I finally (after several anxiety attacks) mustered up the courage to ask my supervisor at work to move me to a different cube. The sounds in the other work area were positively intolerable and were causing a strain in every other aspect of my life. I am very glad I could move and hopefully this new cube is more peaceful than the last.
One of the professors at my college agreed to do an independent study with me and I am delighted! It is so nice to have someone care enough about your mental wellbeing to sacrifice their own time and energy with such a study. It is great to not have to sit in a classroom and still receive the normal credits. Also, I am taking another online class to make up for all of the dropped classes in the past few semesters. Things are really looking up.
I've been working out a lot harder in the gym lately and it is paying off mentally and physically. Still, however, misophonia and anxiety are ailments I cannot just brush off at the end of the day. The best metaphor for them is an uncomfortably-located wound. All throughout the day the sore is chafed and irritated, resulting in agonizing agitation. When I get home and finally can find peace, I can soothe and bandage it only to tear it open the next day. The delicate layer of skin surrounding the gash is rubbed and picked incessantly when trigger sounds are near and sometimes it will just burst open much to my despair.
Even though my life is really going well, I am still plagued with worries about the future and my condition. As I say in every entry, I need to learn to live in the moment and appreciate the silence and peace around me. However, my anxious brain just takes an irrational thought and runs with it--one after another, like a big irrational relay race. So as always that is a work in progress. *sigh*
In other news (not really)... there is an article and some video clips about me and my misophonia up on ABCnews.com. Here is the link if you are interested in seeing it.
"Live in the present, remember the past, and fear not the future, for it doesn’t exist and never shall. There is only now."
- Christopher Paolini, Eldest
I went to my psychologist to talk to her about my recent exhaustion since it really has not improved. I have had several more anxiety attacks in the last week or so and I know it is because of my lack of mental/emotional strength. My therapist really gave me some new insight and it has been helping.
I have to acknowledge that my thinking is disordered. It is not based on reality and I get very irrational when my anxious thoughts start reeling. Keeping myself planted in reality and not letting my thoughts get the best of me will be a difficult process but I know I can do it.
I went to my energy healer as well and when she was over my right arm my whole body twitched and I came back to consciousness. Afterwards, she explained that the arms are connected to the heart and at the moment of the twitch she was asking me to let my heart be open to accept unconditional love. I struggle with accepting love from myself and others because I believe my anxiety is a major flaw. I do not want to accept the fact that I have it and am not "normal" like other people (but really, what is normal?). Yes, I suffer more than others, but I cannot let the rage get the best of me anymore. It is a waste of energy but when I am this tired the rage comes to the surface in seconds. Trying to talk myself down every day is very exhausting.
Both experiences have taught me that I need to stay in reality and not get irrational. My anxiety disorder and misophonia are absolutely biological and I have to accept that.This is the only way I will end my exhaustion and have real rest, not just sleep. I am still very emotionally drained but I think that this weekend will give me some time to reflect and open myself up to self-acceptance. I plan to practice some yoga by myself and do some at-home chakra healing.
Also, I have to make a few changes in my schedule. It is so draining to have to go from work to school and then taking only an hour or so off before I go to the gym and deal with the sniffling in the locker room. If I get dressed before I go to the gym I think I can limit my exposure to my triggers in a very little but very major way. Hopefully I will be able to find rest and peace soon because I really am dealing with exhaustion, not just lack of sleep. Luckily, I have an excellent support system from my boyfriend, friends, and family. It is truly incredible how blessed I am! I have to accept the negative aspects of my life because without them I would not be able to really appreciate all the positive influences.
I want to learn how to feel nothing and just be. I think that comes with self-acceptance and love for your surroundings which I hope to find. All in due time, because everything happens for a reason and I know I am meant to feel this pain so I eventually find peace. Have a nice weekend everyone!
Everything will be alright, but nothing will ever be perfect. I haven't been able to completely relax for the last couple of weeks. My senses are on over drive and I cannot stop my head from being clouded with thought. Really, I cannot feel anything. When I work out I feel the dull ache in my muscles like it's been there my whole life. I step outside in the sun and it feels luke-warm like hour-old bath water. The wind bothers me as it grazes my exposed wrists and neck--I want it to dull down or go away. My shoulders won't release the burdens they've been carrying no matter whose hands coax them. The skin sretched over my sternum seems to be getting cranked tighter and tighter and the pulley is in my own hands. I want it to get so taut that it just releases me and I can be free again.
Was I ever even free? Will I ever be? I want to stand at the edge of a cliff and look down over a deep chasm and feel the depth in my body until my feet grow weak. I wish I could get in my car and drive until I see something so beautiful it takes my breath away completely so I don't have to feel it force its way through my lungs anymore. If I could, I would go to the ocean and sink in the water up to my knees so that the chill is just enough to run up my spine and linger at the base of my neck as I lay my head back and finally feel the sun and taste the salt. The salt--I want to taste the salt of the ocean instead of my own tears and the blood of the side of my cheek I keep biting. I want to experience things with my body that make me feel alive because what does it mean to live, anyway? What do we do that is so special? I'm tired of taking my Lorazepam and laying down on the couch. I'm tired of feeling like single piece of grass in a 300-acre field, rooted and alone. Is this all we are? Do we all just clutch and cling to dry land and hope we'll experience enough rain to keep living?
I know everything will get better, and I know not to expect too much. Melancholy only leads to joy, right? I suppose that is how the curve of life goes. I just don't want to be anxious anymore. I do mundane things every day hoping they will bring me the same satisfaction that they used to. I fold my shirts and pants like I like them to be folded, then I set them in their places. Nothing. I feel nothing. I cannot find half of my socks so I have singular socks sitting in my drawer at this very moment and I want to care but I can't. I've set my jacket in the wrong place and I cannot even tell anymore. Maybe I don't need something big, but please, let me at least have the little things.
Yesterday I was on edge basically from the time I woke up. I used my usual coping mechanism of headphones at work in the morning and then I tried my best in class to stay calm. Thankfully, it worked. I was exhausted come afternoon so I took a nap. When I got to the gym it was swarming with people sniffling. Getting dressed I broke out in sweat. In my head, I imagined being very violent to the soft-bodied girl next to me. She was bent down taking off her aqua shoes and I swear all the snot in her ignorant head had trickled its way down to the very tip of her nose and she was determined to not let one single drop fall. The slurping sound was bone-chilling. All the while I just looked at her post-exercise flushed face and wondered how she could not sense my immense rage as she merely shot me a small "hello" smile. When I was done working out and once again had to brave the locker room there was an elderly woman who had set up her primp camp two lockers down from me. As I fumbled with my jeans and got dried off I swear I almost ripped my towel in half. Her frail sniffs were followed by a rattling sigh as if it took so much effort just to breathe her snot back in. The sigh was almost as worse as the sniff itself. If it takes that much energy to sniffle then please shuffle over to the paper towel dispenser and blow your nose. After each little sigh she would hold her towel up to her face and rub her nose on it to try and relieve some of the drip. Obviously it did not help and the rubbing of her nose on the towel is now officially branded in my mind. Great. I love these trips to the gym.
I fell asleep right when I got in bed last night. The problems started at 1am. I woke up to the dog snoring so I poked her with my toe. When I realized it was raining outside my brain locked. That tap tap tap of the rain on the glass sounded like a marching band on the lawn. Attempting to remain calm, I scuttled out into the kitchen and took one Lorazepam. I snuggled back in bed and tried to soothe my little fluttering brain and nervous system. Then I heard the dog snoring again so I stuck my foot over by her and poked her again. My brain started to get aggravated again and I could feel the anxiety pumping through me. I went out on the couch and took another Lorazepam. The sound of the clock nearby just ticking away so carelessly infuriated me. It ticked on as if it didn't have a care in the world while my anxiety was mounting. I pulled the blanket up by my ear to try and create some friction-induced white noise. I lay there in agony until my second pill kicked in and then I felt like I was laying on a cloud. Even in my Lorazepam trance the anxiety kept growing. Miraculously I fell asleep. I am so glad the Lorazepam worked in time.
Hopefully this weekend brings me some peace and rest!
Sometimes (like right now) I am just tired of having anxiety and misophonia. I am not resentful, just tired. Having already accepted it as my condition I have no choice but to just tough it out and do my best every day. With this kind of attitude, though, comes some fatigue. My headphones give me a headache because I wear them approximately six hours out of the day and the muscles in my shoulders get sore from tensing up every time I hear a trigger sound. Thankfully I have a lull in my day right now and I can practice a very simple form of meditation.
I am going to lay down on my back and close my eyes and forget that I even have a body. I am just a soul and all that remains are my spiritual needs, ambitions and fears. The ears that let sound in are no longer present and the heart that has beat so sickeningly fast will be silenced in honor of my planned moment of peace. The hands that have clenched a pencil so furiously, slick with sweat and quivering; I am going to forget about them. I will even forget about the walls that have struck them and the innocent throats I had imagined them throttling.
It is a very simple form of meditation but it is effective and I plan to go through with it any minute. Sometimes I just have to let everything go, let it all wash over and through me. Everything is fleeting--both pleasure and pain and for the moment I do not want to feel either. I simply want to exist and the only thing connecting me to this earth and this body, this brain, will be the soft blanket that grazes my exposed wrists.
That's all I really have to say for today because I'm quite tired.
Hello, hel-lo I am back. I did not intentionally take a hiatus but that is what happened and the point is I am ending it right now. I have been incredibly busy being content and happy (as content and happy a misophoniac could possibly be, that is). I have had an editorial internship for the last couple months and have fully immersed myself in school, work, my personal life, and the gym. I'm going to break down each of the aforementioned topics and discuss sounds (what else?).
So at school, I feel incredibly grateful and blessed that I am at this particular institution. The agreement we made about the online classes and transferring in credits (usually unallowed) is working exceptionally well. My sheer delight cannot even be expressed through words. Trust me. The passion I have for the two englisih classes I am taking right now is literally my lifeline. In these classes, I hear the sounds but I can easily focus on what we are discussing because I love it so much. However, as expected, I have had some rough moments. Because I have been in this position so many times I am coming up with new things to try when the reaction to the sounds is really peaking. Example: the other day, a girl who sits two desks down from me was sniffling really obnoxiously. I mean, she was reaaaaally putting effort into it and it sounded horribly, antagonizingly forced. My brain was in a state of sheer terror and panic. In this heated moment I decided to write down all of the thoughts that were rushing through my head--rushing so fast my blood was pulsing and throbbing in every vein in my body. I wrote down exactly what I wanted to do to her, to me, to my brain, to this disorder, to those sounds, everything. The other day I, having forgotten about my little impromptu writing exercise, flipped open to that page in my notebook and was astonished. How could something so violent, so angry, so desperate, and upsetting come from my hand, from my pen, from my brain? To think such thoughts is one thing but then to see them recorded in my own scribbled penmanship is very revealing. Seeing this only makes me cherish the silence even more.
At work, I do not face any hindrances. I am allowed (encouraged!) to wear headphones while working so I keep three pairs stashed at the ready. It is very, very relieving to know that I can work in an office environment and be comfortable. I absolutely love my internship and I definitely know that I have found the right field.
My personal life is swell. I have found someone who I can actually sleep by. I do not need Ambien nor Lorazepam to sleep anymore and I cannot tell you how elated I am. He does bother me with some snacks that he eats but is very understanding of my condition and goes in a different room. This relationship, so far, is incredibily peaceful.
I wish I could say the gym was a place of peace and ease for me. Because I work out 5-6 days/week, the misophoniac part of my brain has scoured the entire premise searching for a sound to cause unrest. It did not have to go far at all. In the locker room one day, I was hit with the revelation that there are snifflers. Everywhere. After several days of longing to "accidentally" open my locker with such force that it flattened the at-fault woman's face (and drippy nose), I am now donning my headphones when I get dressed, et cetera.
My overall anxiety level has gone down. I am extremely content right now. I think what got me to this point was the fact that I realized that no one will come to me with a cure or a magic pill to stop this from happening. I need to take it upon myself to be comfortable in my surroundings. My accommodations for this disorder run corner-to-corner through every aspect of my life. Misophonia is always on my mind along with what I need to do to keep it at bay. In the near future I will be on ABC's 20/20 to discuss Misophonia and I could not be more excited to reach out and help others struggling with this. I honestly get by every day by taking the little snapshots of peace/silence and making them huge, epic masterpieces that I cannot even stretch my arms around. This is what it means to live with a disorder, in spite of a disorder; not live in fear of it.
I just got back from my Healing Touch appointment and she (of course) planted some new ideas in my head for pondering. In between sessions I'm going to start doing some self-healing chakra work. Basically it's a form of meditation with touch. Using my hands, I'll connect my chakras and attempt to increase the flow of energy between them. I've done some studying of the chakras back when I was in yoga school and I remember it to be quite powerful so I'm excited.
Working with an energy healer is crucial for me. She's tuned in to my symptoms of misophonia and is doing all she can to relieve my anxiety. Though I'm doing really well right now I know that it is very important to stay on top of things and be preventative of any upcoming triggers. At the end of the session, she left me with a question that I think I can start to answer. She asked me to come up with a goal for our meetings and in my life in general. I don't think I have ever really sat down and thought of what my goal would be for everything that I am doing right now. Obviously I want to minimize my suffering by any means necessary, but I want more than that. My goal is to eliminate self-doubt. It sounds simple but I am wired to believe that I'm never doing enough or that I will revert to old habits. Also, I always doubt the effectiveness of the steps I'm taking and if it's paying off. I don't want to question myself anymore. It's a huge source (probably the root) of my anxiety. I'm constantly reverting back into myself throughout the day and it's like I need to pull myself out from behind the walls that I've so tediously constructed over the past few years. Finally I see that this is why I always say "I want to go home". Literally, I think I said that to myself about four times today. I need to start trusting myself and my own capabilities in preventing anxiety attacks and symptoms. Of course I cannot prevent my misophonia or cure it but I want to take control of my anxiety.
I have a ways to go with this and I am proud that I could recognize it as something that I need to work on. With the help of these Healing Touch sessions I know it is possible. I'm glad that she asked me this question so that I can set my intention going forward.
So I met with the Dean and I've learned that accommodations will be made for me so that I will no longer have to sit through the torturous gen-eds and still get my degree. I will be taking the majority of my remaining GE's online at other institutions and I can still attend my beloved English classes in person. I genuinely want to try to express my relief to you but I honestly cannot find the words. I've attempted to grasp the perfect metaphor but it is impossible. No physical statement or comparison can relay the shedding of a mental burden.
I can, however, go further in-depth with this sort of emotional elevation with a little help from the late literary genius John Keats. One cannot feel joy unless they have experienced melancholy. Notice how the words chosen by Keats are joy & melancholy, not happiness and sadness. Joy is the nirvana while melancholy is the deepest chasm of the soul itself. Happiness and sadness do not delve nearly as severely into the consciousness and therefore are superficial and fleeting. I can therefore say that I am experiencing true joy only because I have felt (and reveled in) melancholy. To feel either, you have to acknowledge your feelings of elevation and torment themselves. You have to step back and evaluate precisely what it is that you are feeling, you need to get your mind out of the way so that the feeling can manifest in your very being. These are the words of Keats, and I have drawn on them to point out the fact that whether we suffer from mental disorders or not we must live our lives on the expanded scale of emotion. Ask yourself honestly: would you rather live a life on a flat line of happy and sad or would you want to feel the very wretchedness of the caverns of your consciousness so that you can feel the euphoria of its skies?
This question raises the same argument of ignorance and bliss. Is it better to know the capacity of human emotion and suffering or should we be kept in the dark? Obviously I have not chosen the latter and frankly I feel that those who wish to be restrained in their senses are not living at all.
Having an obstacle removed in my future and being able to feel such relief and joy just reminds me that my life is yet so young and fresh. I have so much time left to fall on dark times and stumble in the dreary realm that is melancholy only to propel myself from its depths and run freely, my arms spread open as joy caresses every inch of my being. This situation has given me so much hope for the future and I can now see true vitality in life itself.
Since I am living in a little realm of peace and good intentions (for the moment--who knows when that will change) I've decided to share some of my positivity. When my reaction to sounds gets worse than usual (it ebbs & flows throughout the years along with anxiety) that means I have to spend more time on myself. I have done this quite often and it requires some deep contemplation and connection to your true self (not what is on the outside). Also, you need to listen to what your mind & body need. Being completely in tune with them will save you a LOT of stress/anxiety/worry.
When I have time set aside for myself I would love to delve into relaxation immediately but it is not that simple. Because I really love to feel in control of every situation, I do the following mind exercise. I put my hand on my heart, and I lay or sit some place quiet. I feel my heart beat, and listen to my breath. To regain control of my senses/mind, I tell myself that the breath nor the heartbeat is involuntary. I feel them as though I am feeling the sensation for the first time--as if I am making my heart beat, and choosing to breath slowly & deeply. This automatically gives me a rush of strength and inner calm. My mind thinks that it is I who controls the very vitals of my body and the blood that pumps through my veins; that my peace of mind alone is allowing me to control the simplest fact on the planet: that I am alive. Once you've calmed your mind into a blissful state, revel in it. Feel every part of your body as your breath passes over it, your blood flows through it. This helps cleanse the palette of your thoughts and gives you a fresh outlook. Most of all this forces you to see yourself for who you really are.
Another experience that has really stood out to me is something I did on a complete whim. I was feeling really anxious and overwhelmed--I could not find peace. Sounds were everywhere and every face I saw brought me agitation (not good with a roommate and a lingering "boyfriend" around at the time). I went into the bathroom and locked the door. Usually my mind would start to control my body and I would hit something or tug at my hair or stare at myself and watch my chest heave. This time I did not let that happen. I snuck into the shower and put the water on. Then, I sat down and brought my knees to my chest as if I were hugging myself. The sounds were not near me anymore, they were not flooding my thoughts and nothing was sitting on my chest. For what seemed like a very long time I sat and watched the water droplets slide around on my body and collide with eachother. I watched how they started small and as they trickled down my skin they joined with others until they glided into the stream on the floor below. This captivated me. I felt incredible harmony resonate in my mind. It was as if a smooth, warm, thick liquid had seeped into my brain and filled all the holes--the cracks, the glitches, the pain. As I watched the droplets I felt as though I left my body. Though my eyes were open and I could see what was in front of me I also could see myself. I saw myself sitting alone in the shower with the water caressing me. I saw peace in the moment for one of the very first times and I wanted to leap for joy. Words cannot even express what went through my mind. I finally felt pure and whole.
This past month was horrible for me. It truly tested my limits with this disorder. But I can tell you this--the pain does not last forever. The bad phases will fade, but so will the good. When you are facing a hard time you have to bite the bullet and keep going, keep pushing, keep fighting with positive intentions. As soon as you feel that the tables have turned I beg you to rush forward and break free of every chain that has held you back for the past few weeks, months, years. Do not linger in dark times, do not let your mind cling to negative emotions. As soon as misophonia has loosened its grip in even the slightest way (you will know when), rip its claws from your mind, fight its aggravation of your senses, and push its sick weight off of your chest. Accept the good phases with open arms and a free heart. Let joy fill every part of you even if it is only for a few minutes. Reset your mind & change your life.
So I don't know why my misophonia is so horrible in classes lately and I don't want to figure it out. I can tolerate my English classes really well because I become so enthralled in them so I've decided to drop all of my classes for the rest of the semester except for U.S. Literature. This means I'm a part-time student until January. I'll have to take classes during J-Term and summer since I cannot sit through my other classes anymore.
Hopefully this is what I need and I can start taking other classes again next semester. This is costing me some extra money but I don't care. My peace and sanity does not have a price. Growing up I thought it would be impossible for me to attend college and now that I'm doing it I will not just give it up.
It's just starting to sink in that I will be at peace for the next couple months. What a relief! I'm so glad that I attend a college that works with me and understands my condition (the Dean is a psychologist). I am very grateful for everyone that has helped me out along the way because it really is difficult to deal with on my own even though I am the only one who can try and cope or change my perspective.
Finally my dad has decided to research misophonia. I've had it for the past 10 years (though it hasn't had a name this whole time) and now he's just deciding to look into it. Before this, he believed that it could be "wished/willed away" and that it was "all in my head". Obviously it's in my head but it's not like I can control it. Imagine pleading that case when you're in elementary, middle, and high school. Hell, I even plead that case last month. I think this break from school has opened his eyes but I'm still really disappointed in him. Today he asked if I ever thought of using headphones or earplugs. I calmly told him that I have been wearing my iPod/iPhone in class since middle school. He then asked (hestitantly) whether I would ever consider medication. I bit back a bitter retort and explained that I had been experimenting with different meds all during high school and finally settled on Lorazepam which I now take regularly. Thanks, dad. So now he wants to sit down and talk to me to show his support. Really? I'll tell you when he could have sat down with me to show his support: when I was a 9-year-old little girl crying in my room because I couldn't explain the horrible pain in my head and all he could do is offer to beat it out of me. Yeah, that's when I could've used the sit-down. Now I just want to live my life and keep doing everything in my power to maximize peace in all aspects of my life.
